As I have previously mentioned in this blog, I am a smoker. I smoke a lot. Probably about 30 a day. Yes, I can hear lung cancer beckoning. I am in the best kind of denial. The problem is I LIKE smoking. I don't want to stop.
Anyway, Kenya has started a lovely new law that says no smoking in public. Not just restaurants, or public buildings. Public. Not on the street, no quick puff outside the back of a restaurant, NOWHERE in sight of a person that isn't on your own personal property. Unlike most other places in Africa where the police are more worried about important things like, you know, catching murderers, rapists, robbers etc the police here are looking to line their pockets. Its the most aggressive implementation of a law I have ever seen. If you are seen buying cigarettes you are watched like a hawk all the way out of the vicinity, just in case you sneakily light up. They are the Kenyan equivalent of the license plate scheming Sudanese traffic cops.
I figured that my car being my personal property, I could smoke in it. I always smoke when I drive. I always have the windows open while smoking, which makes driving in winter freezing, but I refuse to bathe in cigarette smoke, so open windows and a cigarette while driving is how it works. I was driving down the road, cigarette in hand and came to an intersection. Sitting, nay, lounging, on the grassy kerb were two police men. Police here carry AK-47's by the way. I stopped at the intersection, checked both ways, started to drive and nearly hit one of the gun wielding policemen as he jumped out in front of my car and instructed me to pull over. You don't say no to someone carrying a large automatic weapon that could kill you and your entire family in one short burst.
And he smiled at me. Big wide grin. 'Madam, you are smoking in public' (he can just imagine the bribe money in his hand already)
Me: No, I am in my car which is private property. I am not in public.
Cop: Madam, your windows are open therefore you are affecting the public.
Me: Sir (always be nice to idiots... they are easily offended), if I am in my house, should I keep the windows closed while I smoke because the smoke may affect the neighbors?
Cop: *after brief blank stare* Your windows are open. It is against the law.
Me: I tell you what, I am just going to call my lawyer.
I went through the pretend motions of making a phone call. I am an excellent actress when lying in real life. Put me in front of a camera and I go all freezy, but in real life I can pretend to be ANYTHING. Its a talent fine tuned during my teenage years. My mother is a recovering addict, and you cant lie to a practised lier. I had to learn fast. Moving on...
Me: Hi there... yess, its *Miss P*. I am fine... yes, well I have been stopped by the cops, they say.... bla blah blah........
Back to the cop: Right, my lawyer says its not illegal to smoke in the car, and if you want to charge me with it, he will meet me at the station. Which station are we going to?
Cop: Madam, there is no need to go to the station....
Me (interrupting): excellent. Thank you for the warning, have a nice day...
And off I drove. I know that what he was after was some money in his palm. Since I lost my job (and my boss refused to pay me) I am damned if I am going to give anyone else money for free. I have a holiday booked I cant afford, no job to come back to (yet) and absolutely no idea whats coming next. Actually, bearing in mind the state of mind I am in, he was lucky to get off with a pretend lawyer phone call! Next time I am going to steal the AK. Maybe rob a bank... Hmmmm... let me think this one through.....I'l get back to you in a bit
10 comments:
I wish I was that quick thinking!! I'm never that good at coming up with things like that on the spot. Well done !
Loving Mummy P's pad :)
Good thinking hey, I doubt I'd be able too. Would be way too intimidated by the machine guns!
1.) The tough folks in NYC have NOTHING on you! You make them all look like dribbling pre-schoolers.
Bribe seeking, ak-47 wielding rent-a-cop sleeping thug against chain smoking little you. See, I told you, you do have balls. You may not have been born with them..but you grew them!
Stop smoking! It is bad for you and you are to young to start having health problems over that garbage. Take up chewing on spinach or carrots! Bad girl!
Mums house is absolutely lovely!
1.)Very cute house!
2.)What language does everyone speak there?
3.)Please stop smoking. A few years back I got diagnosed with Lymphoma. I had a huge tumor in my chest. I'd always felt invinsible, but let me tell ya, 7 months of chemotherapy will take anyone close to death. I went from 87Kgs to 53Kgs. Thank God it worked, but I just don't know if I could EVER go through a treatment like that again in my life. It was beyond horrific. AND, you could save your cigarette money to pay for your vacation!
Midnite: If was even quicker I would have realised that I had diplomatic plates on the back seat, and could have saved myself the trouble. I can be a bit blonde sometimes...
Miss M: I am so used to machine guns now. They have started to look like toys. I am sure thats not a good thing to become desensitised to...
M.I. Well, I still feel all abused if too many people walk into me on the street. I think NYC tough is different to Africa tough ;)
Moe: 1. Thanks!
2. In Kenya the national languages are English (colonial country) and Swahili, but every tribe has its own language as well, and there are about 30 of those. It makes a change to the bastardised arabic I have been hearing in Sudan for the last 8 months!
3. I am so sorry to hear about your illness. Its amazing you came out of that. I know I must stop, I know its killing me. I just dont want to. Hopefully that will change.
Lady, you go to most parts of Africa, you guaranteed to come across something that shows that they're trying to become a first world country, like a first world country law!!! AK's though... I'm pretty glad I don't see those all over the place... I'd be a nervous wreck.
One other question... if you have diplomatic plates why don't you ALWAYS use them... stuff just in case I'm going to have a ciggie... those things are better than gold! So a question of curiosity... price of petrol up there? Luckily it went down a bit today... I discovered yesterday my car actually has a reserve tank light (I thought it didn't... you know how long I've had the car!). Let's hope before you make it down here it goes down again and again!
The place looks awesome! Enjoy your interesting/amusing time up there.
I'm still thinking it was quick thinking even if it wasn't the only option you actually had. It was beautifully implemented.
Quite honestly, I don't think it's a bad thing to be desensitized to the sight of firearms. Makes you less likely to freeze up or stop thinking critically in a crisis situation.
Lovely house, BTW.
Miss P - awesome little house. Reminds me of the 1950's neighborhood I live in - well, except there's less vegitation and come wintertime (November to March) everything's pretty much white.
You have a quick wit about you. You'd like Canada. Cops only have handguns and have to write a report everytime they remove them from their holster.
A girl like you would be bitch slapping em just cuz ;)
Damn! I’m not visiting Kenya, even though I have friends who live in Nairobi. I, too, am a smoker—how about 40 caner sticks a day?—and that law Kenyan law feels like oppression. Now even outside buildings? Here the law prohibits smoking inside so I can go outside to smoke and meet other smokers also in exile. I have discovered that most smokers are very nice people.
Nice work - bet those big scary men on a power trip did not expect to be outsmarted by a little foreign chick with a big mouth!
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